Past mistakes must be dealt with and forgotten for love to flourish
Dear Counsellor,
I am dating a responsible man and we love each other very much. My problem is that my past haunts me. My mother was Kenyan and my father Ugandan, but they were not married. I used to live with my mother’s parents in Kenya.
When I turned six, my mother got married. I started staying with her, but my father did not like it, so he took me to his father’s home in Uganda so that I may live with his brother, my uncle. My father died in 1998 when I was nine.
My uncle’s wife mistreated me. I tried hard to study because my uncle liked my performance at school. I grew up without visiting my mother because nobody took me to her and she did not know where we were staying in Uganda (Mukono).
When I joined S1, my uncle’s wife beat me for no reason. She would sometimes deny me food and stop me from going to school. I was afraid of telling my uncle about what was going on. When I was in S2, my uncle’s wife had a baby and she asked me to take care of him. I did this for two weeks without going to school.
I decided to run away to Busia where my uncle’s first daughter was staying. I befriended a commercial sex worker who took me back to school. My cousin got jealous because she had stopped in P7. She told the woman many bad things about me, causing her to stop paying my fees. I started working in hotels. My uncle died in 2005.
In 2006, I met a man who was 23 years old. I was 17. I only realised that he was a womaniser after giving birth to my first born. When I was four months pregnant, he took me to his home in Bushenyi and never once visited me because he was with another girl who was also pregnant by him, and she had him jailed.
I went back to Busia and when he was released, I refused to get married to him. I asked him to help with the baby, but he never did. When life was too tough, I took my son to his father’s mother and returned to Busia to work. While I was working in a hotel, I met a 48-year-old man who owned an Internet cafe.
He took me to college where I got a certificate in networking. I started working in his cafe and my life was moving on perfectly so I decided to go and search for my mother but I found that she had died a week before I got there.
When my sugar daddy’s wife found out about me, I decided to leave him and go to Kampala. He begged me to go back. I thanked him for everything, but refused to go back to him.
I am now happily dating a man who is three years older than me. I am 21. He wants us to have an introduction ceremony and marry me. But after all I went through, I decided to change my names and disappear from my uncle’s family. How do I handle this situation because I do not want to lose my man.
Olivia
COUNSELLOR’S RESPONSE
You owe it to yourself to move on
Dear Olivia,
I empathise with your situation. As much as you cannot allow yourself live in the past, there are some emotions and patterns of behaviour that need dealing with. The good news is that the present and future are within your power to influence and change; especially in the area of decision-making and relationships.
As you reflect, you may discover a ball of emotions that may need to be dealt with; fear, self pity, helplessness, lack of self-worth, shame concerning your family background and guilt for some decisions made. There could be a sense of loss and grief; a loss of identity, innocence, childhood, mum and dad. But from what you have narrated, you are a fighter and I guess you have the inner resolve to make something beautiful out of your life.
A series of unpleasant and uninformed decisions seem to have been made. I guess you know that all decisions have consequences. For instance, the discomfort you feel right now can be attributed to consequences of past decisions. Have you given careful thought to what motivated you to relate with those men?
Was it for survival or a search for a father figure in each of them (emotional intimacy)? These are some of the questions you need to ponder on, especially now that you are dating again. Is it for the same reasons or are things different?
Clarifying this will give you proper perspective to your current relationship. What value will you add to this man you love dearly?
Perhaps in the past, you have been on the receiving end. Are you aware that healthy relationships are built on giving and receiving love? More than likely, this was not shown to you, but change and self-mastery require that we unlearn and relearn different skills.
Given your past, learning to trust and believing in people again will be important. Taking full responsibility and learning to make good decisions will eventually pay off.
It is a process so do not be too hard on yourself. Good outcomes are not received over night; it takes a series of good decisions. Forgiveness and reconciliation is an area you cannot ignore.
Each of us needs to belong and have reasonably healthy family relations. In your case, it may entail finding and reconciling with your people, forgiving each other the past wrongs (intentional or unintentional). Forgiveness is a choice that frees you, not necessarily exonerating the other party.
If this gentleman is as reasonable and responsible as you have mentioned, he should be able to support you in all this.
It is not his role to sort it out but he may be the needed motivation. Once you are stable within, you will be able to handle anything. Do not dwell too much on the past; you owe it to yourself to move on. Seeking professional counseling may be of great benefit at this point in time.
This question was answered by
Annette Kirabira, a trained counsellor
Send your questions to
women@newvision.co.ug
He should love you with all your baggage
Dear Olivia
Please seek God and develop a personal relationship with him; pray and fast about your life. God will deliver you from the vicious cycle of heartbreaks and you will begin to see your life in a different perspective. Make a self-analysis and see where you went wrong and learn from the mistakes.
Age is just a number; love your fiancee-to-be for other things and not the three years’ age difference. A marriage is more than just counting years. Through God, you will forgive those men that have not met your expectations and then you will work at the current relationship without any worries. You seem to focus on the failures that you encountered while you were growing up.
Soon, you will appreciate those sad moments because they will form a solid foundation for where you want to go. You cannot run away from your past, but it can shape your future. Why are you changing your names? Is your current boyfriend aware of it? If he loves you for who you are, then he will love you with your every baggage.Sumayah N. Kigozi Keep hope alive Dear Olivia,
Sorry about what you went through and what you are going through now, although we all go through hard life at one time. If he loves you and can make you smile, have hope and stick to him because a simple smile can brighten the darkest of days. Forget about the past and move on. B.Chwart Tell him before he finds out Dear Olivia,
Life is a journey and once started, there is always a way to overcome obstacles. Recognise the obstacles and start working towards overcoming them. I am impressed with the way you have overcome many of them.
Do not shy away but face it strategically and win your new man’s heart. Forgive your uncle’s family. Forgiving others heals the heart and improves the way you feel about yourself. It makes you a better person. No man would like to marry a woman without knowing her parents or relatives.
Where will you introduce him? Who will attend your functions? Who will receive gifts meant for the parents? Consider these before you change hide your identity.
For any relationship to flourish and last, there is always need for honesty and openness. Face your past and share your experience with your new man. If he still accepts you, this will be true love.
Hiding your past is not the solution. The truth always comes out and if he discovers it himself, he will not trust you and your marriage will be put to test. If he leaves you after you reveal your past, accept the situation and move on. One day Mr. Right will knock at your door. Abel, Mbarara
If he loves you, he will understand
Dear Olivia,
Your life has obviously been hard and dark. It is a pity that at such a tender age, you had to face such tough situations. I commend you for your determination to finish school and settle for a decent life.
I advise you to take each day as it comes, you cannot undo the past and being stressed about it will not help either.
Be bold and own up to whatever mistakes you made, then you will be able to put the past behind . Almost everyone I know has done things that they are not proud of.
If your man loves you, he will understand and help you recover from your past demons. Kigozi. E
NEXT WEEK'S PROBLEM
His family blamed me after he lost his job
Dear counsellor,
For the last eight years, I have been married to a man I loved and whom I was sure loved me too. We have two little children aged eight and four. I am a graduate and have a job which does not pay well but I have kept it because it is the only source of income for the family.
His family loved me so much and this was demonstrated by his mother who used to come from the village to visit us about three times a year. His sisters and brothers too liked coming to my home and sometimes spending weekends. I also helped financially some of his sisters and brothers he was paying fees for who by then were at the university. They loved my children and would at times take them for outings.
The problem started when he lost his job and its now about eight years without any hope of him being employed again. He completely changed his behaviour. He is so depressed. He can decide to keep quiet for sometime and only talks to his children.
He no longer listens to his family as he used to. His mother pretends to be a born-again Christian but she does not behave like one. The most annoying thing is that his family gossips too much. They come to get information from my maid. The whole family has now turned against me, no one visits us or calls us anymore.
Everybody in the family calls me a witch saying I gave my husband juju and that is why he is failing to find a job. I wonder, which woman does not want her husband to be employed? This irritates me to the extent of wanting to pack my bags with my children and finding my way out. My parents are aware of the whole saga and are supportive. They have encouraged me to stay.
My husband is very smart, gentle, hard working, trustworthy and intelligent. Even in a discussion with his friends, he talks sense and his reasoning capacity is good. I know if given a chance, he is professional.
He majored in marketing. His last job was in a busy private company and he has all the knowledge about marketing, but his problem is looking for a job again after the long search has been fruitless.
I am very tired and I think I have been patient enough looking after him including his relatives who do not appreciate. I am in debt all year round.
I cannot afford utility bills. I have spent close to a year without electricity. I really want him to be employed again or else I am going to leave him. I have requested that he sees a counsellor to no avail.
How can I convince him to keep looking for a job? He is so depressed and I fear he might do something bad because when I threaten to leave him he tells me he will either go back to the village or do something else which he does not mention. Please advise me. Anyone with a job for him out there, please help me and my children.
